Santa Contra El Estrangulador
It's Christmas time again, which means it's time for me to put together another holiday mix to annoy... er, amuse my brothers. Here's this year's track listing.
- Richard Pryor, "Black Messiah"
- Kate Rusby, "Here We Come A-Wassailing"
- Tripod, "O Holy Night"
- Elvis Presley, "The First Noel"
- Pomplamoose (with Wade Johnston), "O Come, All Ye Faithful"
- Sinead O'Connor, "Silent Night"
- Futurama dialogue, "X-Mas Eve..."
- Bob Rivers, "The Twisted Chipmunk Song"
- Bob Rivers, "Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire"
- Rosie Thomas, "Christmas Don't Be Late"
- Richard Cheese, "Christmastime is Here"
- Futurama dialogue, "Just be back by sundown..."
- Los Straitjackets, "Here Comes Santa Claus"
- Divide and Kreate, "Blitzkrieg Santa"
- Nerf Herder, "Santa Has a Mullet"
- Fountains of Wayne, "The Man in the Santa Suit"
- Futurama dialogue, "We brought your mail...."
- Loo and Placido, "Horny Christmas"
- Stephen Colbert and John Legend, "Nutmeg"
- Jeff MacDougall, "Becky, the Office Party Drunk Girl"
- Avenue Q, "Holi-Daze"
- The Hives and Cyndi Lauper, "A Christmas Duel"
- Futurama dialogue, "The holiday season..."
- Parry Gripp, "Oh No, It's Christmas"
- Mighty Mighty Bosstones, "X-mas Time (It Sure Doesn't Feel Like It)"
- Austin Lounge Lizards, "X-Mas Time for Visa"
- Gary Hoey, "You're A Mean one, Mr. Grinch"
- June Christy, "The Merriest"
- Bing Crosby, "Mele Kalikimaka"
- The Six Million Dollar Man, "Elves' Revolt"
- Tracy Jordan, "It's A Jordan Christmas!"
This year's mix gets off to a slow start but it's about 50% less annoying than last year's mix. And it's got a much spiffier cover, too! There's a higher resolution of the cover art over on my DeviantArt page.
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
If you are looking for some truly awful audio to torment people with this holiday season, may I recommend Six Million Dollar Man: Hear Four Exciting Christmas Adventures? It's an old storybook record from the '70s and you haven't lived until you've heard Steve Austin lay the smack down on eco-terrorists and communist elves who've teamed up to melt the north pole. All four tracks are downloadable from Joey deVilla's blog.
My 2008 Christmas card
"Mele Kalikimaka" is the thing to say
On a bright Hawaiian Christmas day
That's the island greeting that we send to you
From the land where palm trees sway
Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright
The sun will shine by day and all the stars at night
"Mele Kalikimaka" is Hawaii's way to say
"Merry Christmas to you"
Santa Met A Lady
I have become aware that my brother has expressed his mild displeasure with the thoughtful holiday mixtape that I put together this year. You spend hours carefully assembling a well-thoughout holiday mix, and I guess this is the thanks you get. Here's the track listing, so you can decide for yourself. (Some of these songs were suggested by Musical Fruitcake though to be fair I've had a lot of the more annoying novelty songs from that site for years.)
- Eddie Lawrence, "The Merry Old Philosopher" #1
- Barry Gordon, "Zoomah the Santa Claus from Mars"
- Elvis Presley, "Santa Claus is Back in Town"
- Everclear, "Santa Baby"
- Patsy Raye and the Beatniks, "Beatnik's Wish"
- Kay Martin & Her Body Guards, "Come On Santa, Let's Have a Ball"
- Bon Jovi, "Back Door Santa"
- Barnes & Barnes, "I Had Sex With Santa"
- Dance Hall Crashers, "I Did It for the Toys"
- Sarah Silverman, "Give the Jew Girl Toys"
- Insane Clown Posse, "Santa's a Fat Bitch"
- Lock, Shock & Barrel, "Kidnap the Sandy Claws"
- The Western Caravan featuring Thirsty Dave, "Psycho"
- Eddie Lawrence, "The Merry Old Philosopher" #2
- The Ramones, "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)"
- Gary Hoey, "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
- Los Straitjackets, "The Christmas Song"
- John Denver & Rowlf the Dog, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
- The Tempatations, "Someday at Christmas"
- Eric Cartman, "O Holy Night"
- Copeland, "Do You Hear What I Hear?"
- Richard Cheese, "Silent Night"
- The Butties, "Joy to the World"
- Tripod, "I Was the Only Shepherd"
- Stan Kenton, "We Three Kings of Orient Are"
- Bing Crosby, "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day"
- Eddie Lawrence, "The Merry Old Philosopher" #3
That's not so bad, is it? Seventy minutes of listening pleasure. It's even got some swell cover art, so you can quickly glance at it and say "God, no way am I listening to that again" and dig out a different CD.
So, Chris. Don't like the mix? Well, the way to get back is to get even, my friend. Make a mix that foists your musical tastes on me. I dare you. And I dirty double-dog dare you not to put your face on the cover.
While the subject is fresh in your mind, why are there a million songs where horny girl wants to sex up Santa, but no songs where a horny guy wants to sex up Mrs. Claus? I mean, she's not my idea of a GILF either, but come on — the old workaholic coops her up at a secluded location 364 days of the year and then leaves her completely alone on the 365th. She's gotta have all sort of pent up perversions she needs to let out. I'm thinking it's probably a 24 hour marathon of elf-and-reindeer debauchery.